Santa Banta Jokes

Santa: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: When?
Santa: 3 months back!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.



A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell. Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.



Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?



Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?
Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..



Ultimate answer while changing the job.
Interviewer: Why did you change your last job?
Santa: Because the company shifted and didn't tell me where.



Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.



Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.



Sardar wanted to make a STD... call to Punjab,
He wanted to save money so what did he do?
Simple, he went to Punjab and made a local call.



Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........
Sardarji: Kyun key pizza hut mein "Delivery Free" hai.



A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab **� ?o
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.



One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!



Teacher: A for?
Sardar: Apple
Teacher: Jor se bolo?
Sardar: Jay mata di.



American says: " US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."
Sardarji says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"



Sardar orders pizza.
Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?
Sardar: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge



Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya



Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.



Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.
When a person asked what he was doing?
He replied, Oye! Higher studies yaar.



2 sardars were fighting after exam.
Sir: Y r u fighting?
1st Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank,
Sir: So what?
1st Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.



A sardar learning english introduces his family in the party:
Hi! I am sardar,
this is my sardarni,
he is my kid,
& she is my kidney.



Sardar 1: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.
Sardar 2: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent my wife with him..

Getting w.Bloggar to work with Blogger Beta

I signed up for Blogger Beta. Only to find out that none of my posting softwares work. I earlier used to use w.Bloggar, and had been using Windows Live Writer for the last few days. I downloaded w.Bloggar's latest version and tried setting it up with my new Blogger Beta blog. Behold the Beta Gods. It said my username/password didn't match. I realised it was not connecting to the beta interface, but rather to the old Blogger interface. And the old Blogger interface cannot login a Google Accounts username/password.

Being a lazy person, I searched the net first to see if womeone else had come up with a solution. My search yeilded no results. So I tried to play with the w.Bolggar account settings. Luckily, I got it right in the first attempt. Anyways, I decided to share this info with you all. So here is a step by step with screenshots (click on them to enlarge).

Getting w.Bloggar to work with Blogger Beta :
Requirements :

1. A Blogger Beta blog
2. w.Bloggar
3. Internet connection

Instructions :
Step 1 : Fire up the account selection box in w.Bloggar. You can reach it by Clicking on File, Select Account or by pressing F9

Step 2 : Click on the Icon next to the account name.

Step 3 : Selct New

Step 4 : Select "Yes, I want to add it as a new account"

Step 5 : Select Custom from the drop down list and fill in a name for you account. Select Ping if you would like to notify Weblogs or Technorati upon updates. Click Next.

Step 6 : Keep the settings as is. Click Next.

Step 7 : In the Host field type in "beta.blogger.com". (Without the quotes, of course!)

Step 8 : In the Path field type in "/api". (Without the quotes, of course!). Click "Next"

Step 9 : Type in your Google Accounts username/email and your password. Select "Save password" if you would like w.bloggar to remember your password.

Step 10 : Click Finish. You are done.

Do send your comments and feedbacks.

Really funny Beer commercial

Really funny Beer commercial

This is a really cool commercial for Hahn's Beer. Though I can't say much about their beer, but their commercials rock.

Kitties at play

Kitties at play

You will really love these cats.

New blog

Just now created a new blog Santosh Mishra Online. It is hosted on the new blogger beta platform. I will be moving to that blog. This one will still be here. Just that I won't be blogging on this one more frequently (as if I was blogging very seriuosly...lol).

Anyways the next few days I will be getting the feel of the new platform. And once it is ready I will try to consolidate all my blogs at oe place.

Take care and keep smiling,
Regards,
Santosh Mishra

Guys and Gals Facts

When u break a girls heart,
She still feels it when
U run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her mind.
Including you.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering about things.
Like if your deeply thinking about her,
Or if you care for her at all,
Or how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
She is wondering why.
Why you are the way you are,
Why things happened the way they did,
And why she still cares.

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
No one in this world can miss you more than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup
She wants you back,
But she's scared she'll get hurt
And knows you're gone forever


Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you,
He wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes,
He means it

When a guy stares at you,
He wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,
He has the world

When a guy calls you everyday,
He is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,
He means it

When a guy says he can't live without you,
He's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, "
He misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else.

Friend And Acquaintance

There is a difference between being an acquaintance and being a friend. An acquaintance is someone whose name you know, who you see every now and then, who you probably have something in common with and who you feel comfortable around.

It's a person that you can invite to your home and share things with. But they are people who you don't share your life with, whose actions sometimes you don't understand because you don't know enough about them.

On the other hand, a friend is someone you love. Not that you are "in love" with them, but you care about them and you think about them when they are not there. The people you are reminded of when you see something they might like, and you know this because you know them so well. They are the people whose pictures you have and whose faces are in your head regardless.

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Friends are the people you feel safe around because you know they care about you. They call just to see how you are doing, because a friend doesn't need an excuse. They tell you the truth, the first time, and you do the same. You know that if you have a problem, they are there to listen.

Friends are the people who won't laugh at you or hurt you, and if they do hurt you they try hard to make it up to you. They are the people you love, regardless of whether you realize it.

Friends are the people you cried with when you got rejected from colleges and during the last song at the prom and at graduation. They are the people that when you hug them, you don't think about how long to hug and who's going to be the first one to let go.

Maybe they are the people that hold the rings at your wedding, or maybe they are the people who give you away at your wedding, or maybe they are the people you marry. Maybe they are the people who cry at your wedding because they are happy or because they are proud.

They are the people who stop you from making mistakes and help you when you do. They are are the people whose hand you can hold, or you can hug or give them a kiss and not have it be awkward because they understand the things you do and they love you for them.

They stick with you and stand by you. They hold your hand. They watch you live and you watch them live and you learn from them. Your life is not the same without them.

Flying

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was raised in a orphanage.

The little boy had always wished that he could fly like a bird. It was very difficult for him to understand why he could not fly. There were birds at the zoo that were much bigger than he, and they could fly.

"Why can't I?" he thought. "Is there something wrong with me?" he wondered.

There was another little boy who was crippled. He had always wished that he could walk and run like other little boys and girls.

"Why can't I be like them?" he thought.

One day the little orphan boy who had wanted to fly like a bird ran away from the orphanage. He came upon a park where he saw the little boy who could not walk or run playing in the sandbox.

He ran over to the little boy and asked him if he had ever wanted to fly like a bird.

"No," said the little boy who could not walk or run. "But I have wondered what it would be like to walk and run like other boys and girls."

"That is very sad." said the little boy who wanted to fly. "Do you think we could be friends?" he said to the little boy in the sandbox.

"Sure." said the little boy.

The two little boys played for hours. They made sand castles and made really funny sounds with their mouths. Sounds which made them laugh real hard. Then the little boy's father came with a wheelchair to pick up his son. The little boy who had always wanted to fly ran over to the boy's father and whispered something into his ear.

"That would be OK," said the man.

The little boy who had always wanted to fly like a bird ran over to his new friend and said, "You are my only friend and I wish that there was something that I could do to make you walk and run like other little boys and girls. But I can't. But there is something that I can do for you."

The little orphan boy turned around and told his new friend to slide up onto his back. He then began to run across the grass. Faster and faster he ran, carrying the little crippled boy on his back. Faster and harder he ran across the park. Harder and harder he made his legs travel. Soon the wind just whistled across the two little boys' faces.

The little boy's father began to cry as he watched his beautiful little crippled son flapping his arms up and down in the wind, all the while yelling at the top of his voice,

"I'M FLYING, DADDY. I'M FLYING!"

Goodbye Daddy

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our porch."

24 Things To Always Remember

Your presence is a present to the world.
You are unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You will make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Do not put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal and you prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.
Do not take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot … goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life’s treasure are people together.

Realize that it is never too late.
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
Have hearth and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a start.

AND DO NOT EVER FORGET ….
FOR EVEN A DAY
HOW VERY SPECIAL YOU ARE !

The ABC of Friendship

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

SuperMan Wallpapers

Here are some Wallpapers from the upcoming Superman Movie : Superman Returns.

Download a zip file of wallpapers at : wpSuperMan.zip
The above zip file named wpSuperMan.zip contains 12 High-Res (1280x1024) wallpapers from Superman Returns

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Check out the new Superman

Here are some pics from the upcoming Superman Movie : Superman Returns. Click on the images to enlarge them. You could also download a zip file of these images at : http://www.uploading.com/?get=RCLBHFE3

There are kids who swing from webs. And millionaires with a thing for bats. But there's only one Superman. Here are some images from the year's biggest release.

After much hype over the coveted part, relative rookie Brandon Routh was chosen to step into Christopher Reeve's shoes as the next Superman.

Director of the first two X-Men films, Bryan Singer stepped in to direct this $200 million movie.

Superman has mysteriously left the Earth for six years. And Metropolis is not the same.

As Superman returns, Clark Kent discovers that the world he left behind has changed, drastically.

Kate Bosworth plays Lois Lane, Clark's all-time love interest. But his disappearance from Earth has caused several changes. Lois is now in a relationship, and has a son.

Kevin Spacey plays Superman's arch-enemy, Lex Luthor, and the bald villain has finally devised a plan to rid the planet of Supe -- for good.

Sam Huntington plays always-enthused The Daily Planet photographer, Jimmy Olsen.

Desi actor Kal Penn also stars in the mega blockbuster.

Our hero has an epic task cut out for him, but box office mania is guaranteed worldwide. Superman Returns hits theatres on June 30.

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God.....Ohh my God.... I'm coming"

Why Sanskrit?

Sanskrit, to me, is not just a language. It is a resource, a lifestyle, a way of thinking, structuring and organizing data. With an incomplete convent education and my penchant for grammar and spellings mixed with my sheer obsessiveness when doing something, I don’t know how much I will learn. Aptly considered by many as the language of the Gods and often referred to as a very scientific languages most suited to the computing environment., I often wondered about the possibility of doing computing in Sanskrit. I don’t mean just put up an interface and nifty fonts. I mean building an app/os from the ground up. Using sanskrit all the way. I know most of you would agree this is utter nonsense. But hope springs eternal.

Add to that I know only a few phrases(mantras) of Sanskrit. One the Gayatri mantra, and a few more. My favourite one is “Ahm Brahmasmi”

See more progress on: Learn Sanskrit

A question people often ask about me

When people ask me what do I do, I tell them I am an IT Consultant. Their next question most of the time is ”What do you exactly do?”. I again tell them I exactly do Consultancy in the field of IT. Again they ask ”What do you mean by Consultancy?”. Then I go like this, ”Consultancy means I get consulted by people”. Again the next one is ”What do you mean get consulted by people?”. Then my response is ”By getting consulted by people I mean people consult me”. So they ask ”Why do they consult you?”. And I reply, ”Cause they don’t have know what Consultant means”

Then I don’t get bothered for another hour.

Learn more about samishra

Who survives?

Who survives?

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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, ofcourse, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

MOODS OF A WOMAN

MOODS OF A WOMAN

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An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

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Horny!!!

Musical Pieces

Musical Pieces

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This guy and his band were playing at a large theatre and the program for the evening was dedicated to all married couples celebrating their wedding anniversaries.

In honor of newlyweds, he played, “I Didn’t Sleep a Wink Last Nite.”

In honor of couples married five years, he played, “Nite and Day.”

In honor of couples married 10 years he played, “Now and Then.”

In honor of couples married 15 years, he played, “Once in a While.”

Just as he was ready to honor the couples married 25 years, someone sitting in the rear end said, “Just a minute, sir. Before you play ‘Memories,’ please play, ‘We Did It Before and We Can Do It Again.”

Bill Gates - A Profile

William H. Gates III
Chairman and Chief Software Architect, Microsoft Corporation

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William (Bill) H. Gates III is chairman and chief software architect of Microsoft Corporation, the worldwide leader in software, services and solutions that help people and businesses realize their full potential. Microsoft had revenues of US$36.84 billion for the fiscal year ending June 2004, and employs more than 55,000 people in 85 countries and regions.

Born on Oct. 28, 1955, Gates grew up in Seattle with his two sisters. Their father, William H. Gates II, is a Seattle attorney. Their late mother, Mary Gates, was a schoolteacher, University of Washington regent, and chairwoman of United Way International.

Gates attended public elementary school and the private Lakeside School. There, he discovered his interest in software and began programming computers at age 13.

In 1973, Gates entered Harvard University as a freshman, where he lived down the hall from Steve Ballmer, now Microsoft's chief executive officer. While at Harvard, Gates developed a version of the programming language BASIC for the first microcomputer - the MITS Altair.

In his junior year, Gates left Harvard to devote his energies to Microsoft, a company he had begun in 1975 with his childhood friend Paul Allen. Guided by a belief that the computer would be a valuable tool on every office desktop and in every home, they began developing software for personal computers. Gates' foresight and his vision for personal computing have been central to the success of Microsoft and the software industry.

Under Gates' leadership, Microsoft's mission has been to continually advance and improve software technology, and to make it easier, more cost-effective and more enjoyable for people to use computers. The company is committed to a long-term view, reflected in its investment of approximately $6.2 billion on research and development in the 2005 fiscal year.

In 1999, Gates wrote Business @ the Speed of Thought, a book that shows how computer technology can solve business problems in fundamentally new ways. The book was published in 25 languages and is available in more than 60 countries. Business @ the Speed of Thought has received wide critical acclaim, and was listed on the best-seller lists of the New York Times, USA Today, the Wall Street Journal and Amazon.com. Gates' previous book, The Road Ahead, published in 1995, held the No. 1 spot on the New York Times' bestseller list for seven weeks.

Gates has donated the proceeds of both books to non-profit organizations that support the use of technology in education and skills development.

In addition to his love of computers and software, Gates founded Corbis, which is developing one of the world's largest resources of visual information - a comprehensive digital archive of art and photography from public and private collections around the globe. He is also a member of the board of directors of Berkshire Hathaway Inc., which invests in companies engaged in diverse business activities.

Philanthropy is also important to Gates. He and his wife, Melinda, have endowed a foundation with more than $27 billion (as of March 2004) to support philanthropic initiatives in the areas of global health and learning, with the hope that in the 21st century, advances in these critical areas will be available for all people. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has committed more than $3.2 billion to organizations working in global health; more than $2 billion to improve learning opportunities, including the Gates Library Initiative to bring computers, Internet Access and training to public libraries in low-income communities in the United States and Canada; more than $477 million to community projects in the Pacific Northwest; and more than $488 million to special projects and annual giving campaigns.

Gates was married on Jan. 1, 1994, to Melinda French Gates. They have three children. Gates is an avid reader, and enjoys playing golf and bridge.

Source : MSN India - Bill Gates' India Visit