Who survives?

Who survives?

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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, ofcourse, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

MOODS OF A WOMAN

MOODS OF A WOMAN

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An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

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Horny!!!

Musical Pieces

Musical Pieces

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This guy and his band were playing at a large theatre and the program for the evening was dedicated to all married couples celebrating their wedding anniversaries.

In honor of newlyweds, he played, “I Didn’t Sleep a Wink Last Nite.”

In honor of couples married five years, he played, “Nite and Day.”

In honor of couples married 10 years he played, “Now and Then.”

In honor of couples married 15 years, he played, “Once in a While.”

Just as he was ready to honor the couples married 25 years, someone sitting in the rear end said, “Just a minute, sir. Before you play ‘Memories,’ please play, ‘We Did It Before and We Can Do It Again.”

Bill Gates - A Profile

William H. Gates III
Chairman and Chief Software Architect, Microsoft Corporation

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William (Bill) H. Gates III is chairman and chief software architect of Microsoft Corporation, the worldwide leader in software, services and solutions that help people and businesses realize their full potential. Microsoft had revenues of US$36.84 billion for the fiscal year ending June 2004, and employs more than 55,000 people in 85 countries and regions.

Born on Oct. 28, 1955, Gates grew up in Seattle with his two sisters. Their father, William H. Gates II, is a Seattle attorney. Their late mother, Mary Gates, was a schoolteacher, University of Washington regent, and chairwoman of United Way International.

Gates attended public elementary school and the private Lakeside School. There, he discovered his interest in software and began programming computers at age 13.

In 1973, Gates entered Harvard University as a freshman, where he lived down the hall from Steve Ballmer, now Microsoft's chief executive officer. While at Harvard, Gates developed a version of the programming language BASIC for the first microcomputer - the MITS Altair.

In his junior year, Gates left Harvard to devote his energies to Microsoft, a company he had begun in 1975 with his childhood friend Paul Allen. Guided by a belief that the computer would be a valuable tool on every office desktop and in every home, they began developing software for personal computers. Gates' foresight and his vision for personal computing have been central to the success of Microsoft and the software industry.

Under Gates' leadership, Microsoft's mission has been to continually advance and improve software technology, and to make it easier, more cost-effective and more enjoyable for people to use computers. The company is committed to a long-term view, reflected in its investment of approximately $6.2 billion on research and development in the 2005 fiscal year.

In 1999, Gates wrote Business @ the Speed of Thought, a book that shows how computer technology can solve business problems in fundamentally new ways. The book was published in 25 languages and is available in more than 60 countries. Business @ the Speed of Thought has received wide critical acclaim, and was listed on the best-seller lists of the New York Times, USA Today, the Wall Street Journal and Amazon.com. Gates' previous book, The Road Ahead, published in 1995, held the No. 1 spot on the New York Times' bestseller list for seven weeks.

Gates has donated the proceeds of both books to non-profit organizations that support the use of technology in education and skills development.

In addition to his love of computers and software, Gates founded Corbis, which is developing one of the world's largest resources of visual information - a comprehensive digital archive of art and photography from public and private collections around the globe. He is also a member of the board of directors of Berkshire Hathaway Inc., which invests in companies engaged in diverse business activities.

Philanthropy is also important to Gates. He and his wife, Melinda, have endowed a foundation with more than $27 billion (as of March 2004) to support philanthropic initiatives in the areas of global health and learning, with the hope that in the 21st century, advances in these critical areas will be available for all people. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has committed more than $3.2 billion to organizations working in global health; more than $2 billion to improve learning opportunities, including the Gates Library Initiative to bring computers, Internet Access and training to public libraries in low-income communities in the United States and Canada; more than $477 million to community projects in the Pacific Northwest; and more than $488 million to special projects and annual giving campaigns.

Gates was married on Jan. 1, 1994, to Melinda French Gates. They have three children. Gates is an avid reader, and enjoys playing golf and bridge.

Source : MSN India - Bill Gates' India Visit

What Classic Movie Are You?

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

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Plot Summary for Easy Rider (1969)

Two long-haired bikers from Los Angeles take off on a cross-country trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. On the way they meet several unusual characters. A rancher and his family, a hitchhiker and the hippie commune where he lives, hookers, red-necks, but most noticeably George Hansen played by Jack Nicholson. Mr. Nicholson gained national attention for his role as the "law'er with the ACLU". Dennis Hopper won "Best New Director" at the 1969 Cannes Film Festival.

Unconditional Love :An Essence of Love

Unconditional Love : An Essence of Love

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.
"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home," the Son said, "but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know" the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

The Inheritence

The Inheritence

Richard's grandfather left him billions of rupees, and the next week Jenny agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Richard noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Jenny dear," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me billions when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

A gift gone wrong!

A gift gone wrong!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart`s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart`s younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note:

"Dear Sweetheart,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love.

PS : The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

All manner of excuses...

All manner of excuses...

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can`t outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.

He leans down and says "Listen mister, I`ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I`ll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

Husband Shopping center

Husband Shopping center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" say the women."Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, they go up. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me. But just think?! What must be awaiting us further on?!"

So up to the fifth floor they go.

The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!"

Cold water!

Cold water!

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don`t ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather`s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won`t let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way"!

True Statements

True Statements

* Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

* Chess players mate better.

* Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

* If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.

* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

* There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

* The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

* I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

* Prostitution is a hole sale business.

* A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

* Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

* Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

* I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

* Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

* Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

* Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

Hurricane Gussy

Hurricane Gussy

One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, "I want something different."

The pimp says, "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass."
The man says, "No, that's too common. I want something different."

The pimp says, "Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?"
The man says, "I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that."

The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can.

The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"

The woman says, "I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane."
The man says, "OK, I'll buy that."

Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.

The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"
The woman says, "Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head."

The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him.

The man says, "What the hell are you doing?!!"
The woman says, "Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane."

The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes.

Gussy says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"

Just a roommate

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote,

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom."

Ford Vs. GOD

Ford Vs. GOD

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the throne room, and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.........

Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute."

God goes over to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Ginnie in a bottle

Ginnie in a bottle

A couple goes to future zone to play indoor golf. While playing, the wife hits the ball hard and it breaks a window and goes into the next room. They go there and see a bottle and a man lying besides the ball. They try to wake the man. He gets up and says: "I am a ginne and you have freed me. I will grant you three wishes but in return I want to spend one night with your wife."

The couple decides to take the offer and ask for a million dollars, a house in every city and a private aircraft. The ginne then takes the wife to bed and the next day before leaving he asks her: "How old is your husband? She says: "35 years old." The ginne replies, "He is 35 years old and still believes in ginnes."

I don't know

I don't know

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man "Aren't they cute, what is their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know". The lady asked again "which is a boy and which is a girl".

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know". The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you ?". The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company...

Sex Of A Fly

Sex Of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Yeah baby!

There was once a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,"Now listen, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife.

I wrote him a cheque!!!!"

16 THINGS THAT TOOK SOMEONE 40 YEARS TO LEARN:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY : There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.