Who survives?

Who survives?

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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, ofcourse, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

MOODS OF A WOMAN

MOODS OF A WOMAN

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An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

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Horny!!!

Musical Pieces

Musical Pieces

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This guy and his band were playing at a large theatre and the program for the evening was dedicated to all married couples celebrating their wedding anniversaries.

In honor of newlyweds, he played, “I Didn’t Sleep a Wink Last Nite.”

In honor of couples married five years, he played, “Nite and Day.”

In honor of couples married 10 years he played, “Now and Then.”

In honor of couples married 15 years, he played, “Once in a While.”

Just as he was ready to honor the couples married 25 years, someone sitting in the rear end said, “Just a minute, sir. Before you play ‘Memories,’ please play, ‘We Did It Before and We Can Do It Again.”

Bill Gates - A Profile

William H. Gates III
Chairman and Chief Software Architect, Microsoft Corporation

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William (Bill) H. Gates III is chairman and chief software architect of Microsoft Corporation, the worldwide leader in software, services and solutions that help people and businesses realize their full potential. Microsoft had revenues of US$36.84 billion for the fiscal year ending June 2004, and employs more than 55,000 people in 85 countries and regions.

Born on Oct. 28, 1955, Gates grew up in Seattle with his two sisters. Their father, William H. Gates II, is a Seattle attorney. Their late mother, Mary Gates, was a schoolteacher, University of Washington regent, and chairwoman of United Way International.

Gates attended public elementary school and the private Lakeside School. There, he discovered his interest in software and began programming computers at age 13.

In 1973, Gates entered Harvard University as a freshman, where he lived down the hall from Steve Ballmer, now Microsoft's chief executive officer. While at Harvard, Gates developed a version of the programming language BASIC for the first microcomputer - the MITS Altair.

In his junior year, Gates left Harvard to devote his energies to Microsoft, a company he had begun in 1975 with his childhood friend Paul Allen. Guided by a belief that the computer would be a valuable tool on every office desktop and in every home, they began developing software for personal computers. Gates' foresight and his vision for personal computing have been central to the success of Microsoft and the software industry.

Under Gates' leadership, Microsoft's mission has been to continually advance and improve software technology, and to make it easier, more cost-effective and more enjoyable for people to use computers. The company is committed to a long-term view, reflected in its investment of approximately $6.2 billion on research and development in the 2005 fiscal year.

In 1999, Gates wrote Business @ the Speed of Thought, a book that shows how computer technology can solve business problems in fundamentally new ways. The book was published in 25 languages and is available in more than 60 countries. Business @ the Speed of Thought has received wide critical acclaim, and was listed on the best-seller lists of the New York Times, USA Today, the Wall Street Journal and Amazon.com. Gates' previous book, The Road Ahead, published in 1995, held the No. 1 spot on the New York Times' bestseller list for seven weeks.

Gates has donated the proceeds of both books to non-profit organizations that support the use of technology in education and skills development.

In addition to his love of computers and software, Gates founded Corbis, which is developing one of the world's largest resources of visual information - a comprehensive digital archive of art and photography from public and private collections around the globe. He is also a member of the board of directors of Berkshire Hathaway Inc., which invests in companies engaged in diverse business activities.

Philanthropy is also important to Gates. He and his wife, Melinda, have endowed a foundation with more than $27 billion (as of March 2004) to support philanthropic initiatives in the areas of global health and learning, with the hope that in the 21st century, advances in these critical areas will be available for all people. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has committed more than $3.2 billion to organizations working in global health; more than $2 billion to improve learning opportunities, including the Gates Library Initiative to bring computers, Internet Access and training to public libraries in low-income communities in the United States and Canada; more than $477 million to community projects in the Pacific Northwest; and more than $488 million to special projects and annual giving campaigns.

Gates was married on Jan. 1, 1994, to Melinda French Gates. They have three children. Gates is an avid reader, and enjoys playing golf and bridge.

Source : MSN India - Bill Gates' India Visit

What Classic Movie Are You?

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

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Plot Summary for Easy Rider (1969)

Two long-haired bikers from Los Angeles take off on a cross-country trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. On the way they meet several unusual characters. A rancher and his family, a hitchhiker and the hippie commune where he lives, hookers, red-necks, but most noticeably George Hansen played by Jack Nicholson. Mr. Nicholson gained national attention for his role as the "law'er with the ACLU". Dennis Hopper won "Best New Director" at the 1969 Cannes Film Festival.

Unconditional Love :An Essence of Love

Unconditional Love : An Essence of Love

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.
"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home," the Son said, "but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know" the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

The Inheritence

The Inheritence

Richard's grandfather left him billions of rupees, and the next week Jenny agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Richard noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Jenny dear," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me billions when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

A gift gone wrong!

A gift gone wrong!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart`s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart`s younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note:

"Dear Sweetheart,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love.

PS : The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

All manner of excuses...

All manner of excuses...

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can`t outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.

He leans down and says "Listen mister, I`ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I`ll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

Husband Shopping center

Husband Shopping center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" say the women."Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, they go up. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me. But just think?! What must be awaiting us further on?!"

So up to the fifth floor they go.

The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!"

Cold water!

Cold water!

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don`t ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather`s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won`t let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way"!

True Statements

True Statements

* Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

* Chess players mate better.

* Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

* If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.

* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

* There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

* The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

* I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

* Prostitution is a hole sale business.

* A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

* Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

* Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

* I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

* Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

* Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

* Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

Hurricane Gussy

Hurricane Gussy

One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, "I want something different."

The pimp says, "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass."
The man says, "No, that's too common. I want something different."

The pimp says, "Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?"
The man says, "I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that."

The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can.

The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"

The woman says, "I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane."
The man says, "OK, I'll buy that."

Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.

The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"
The woman says, "Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head."

The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him.

The man says, "What the hell are you doing?!!"
The woman says, "Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane."

The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes.

Gussy says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"

Just a roommate

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote,

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read,

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom."

Ford Vs. GOD

Ford Vs. GOD

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the throne room, and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.........

Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute."

God goes over to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Ginnie in a bottle

Ginnie in a bottle

A couple goes to future zone to play indoor golf. While playing, the wife hits the ball hard and it breaks a window and goes into the next room. They go there and see a bottle and a man lying besides the ball. They try to wake the man. He gets up and says: "I am a ginne and you have freed me. I will grant you three wishes but in return I want to spend one night with your wife."

The couple decides to take the offer and ask for a million dollars, a house in every city and a private aircraft. The ginne then takes the wife to bed and the next day before leaving he asks her: "How old is your husband? She says: "35 years old." The ginne replies, "He is 35 years old and still believes in ginnes."

I don't know

I don't know

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man "Aren't they cute, what is their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know". The lady asked again "which is a boy and which is a girl".

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know". The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you ?". The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company...

Sex Of A Fly

Sex Of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

Yeah baby!

There was once a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife,"Now listen, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife.

I wrote him a cheque!!!!"

16 THINGS THAT TOOK SOMEONE 40 YEARS TO LEARN:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that very moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY : There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Intelligent?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy.: "Coconut"

Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge."
Boy: "Bubblegum"

Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: "Shake hands."

Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy.: "Yep."

Ms Neelam: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Boy.: "Tent."

Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy.: "Nose"

Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy.: "Arrow"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy.: "Firetruck"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand."
Boy.: "Fork"

Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"
Boy.: "SURNAME"

Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy.: "HEART."



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Horse's Ass

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled:

"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television.

"She's a horse's ass too."

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.

"This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Did you hear about the blonde that...

Did you hear about the blonde that...


....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.

Innocent Daughters

A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.

The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted ....

Tongue Twisters

Here are some interesting Toungue Twisters to....what else, Twist your Tongue...enjoy...


Peter bought a butter, The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter bought a better butter, to make the bitter butter better.

---

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

---

Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter-that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.

---

Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.

---

A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood.

---

Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.

---

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

---

Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised.
Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."

---

Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets. Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.

---

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

---

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

---

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

---

A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern, said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, a lack!"

---

Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!

---

The boot black bought the black boot back.

---

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood.
As a wood chuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

---

We surely shall see the sun shine soon.

---

Which witch wished which wicked wish?

---

Hope you liked them....

Interesting Facts

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are
the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A : Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B : He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening

Candidate C : He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

---

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading...
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember :
Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?


It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

Three die playing catch with grenade
Reuters, Mon Nov 7, 2005 11:27 AM ET163

BANJA LUKA, Bosnia (Reuters) - A hand grenade being used instead of a ball in a game of catch exploded early on Saturday killing three youths in this Bosnian town, police and news agencies said.

Two youths aged 19 and 20, one of them from neighboring Croatia, were killed instantly while a 20-year-old woman died on her way to hospital, police said. Her sister was slightly injured but two other youths suffered serious injuries.

The blast occurred at 2:00 a.m. in the western town of Novi Grad at a place in the town center frequented by youngsters. Police said an inquiry was under way and declined further comment. It was not clear why the grenade exploded.

ONASA news agency quoted witnesses as saying the youths tossed the hand grenade to each other before it exploded in the hands of one of them.

Bosnia is awash with illegal weapons left over from the 1992-95 war and tragic incidents are frequent despite several successful campaigns by international peacekeepers and police to get people to hand over illegal weapons.


Read the full article at : Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Danilo da Costa

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Kissing Purity Test

Your Kissing Purity Score: 6% Pure

For you, it's all kiss and no talk. You're in a permanent lip lock.

Kissing Purity Test

What's Your Hidden Talent

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative. You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential. Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them. As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Happy Birthday Saana

Work vs. Prison

Work vs. Prison

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON....... ..they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Men

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are too small.

Q: Why did God create men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: They're always vacant, engaged or full of shit.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Why are blond jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging.

Memoirs of a Lunatic

You got to see this site :
Memoirs of a Lunatic

Samishra.co.nr

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Slashdot | Microsoft Infected by Virus

Microsoft Infected by Virus
Posted by CowboyNeal on Friday August 26, @12:47PM

Vicissidude writes "It appears that a Microsoft worker returning from overseas brought back a case of Measles with them. In fact, they had been back, working, and spreading the disease at Microsoft and other places in Redmond for at least four days prior to being discovered. Somehow I do not think that Microsoft included in their cost-benefit analysis of offshoring the potential wide-spread infection of their company. Perhaps they should include that risk in the future."

Read the full article at : Slashdot | Microsoft Infected by Virus

Gender English

Men's English

I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired. = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!


Women's English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

The answer to What's wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

The Five Stages Of Drunk

The Five Stages Of Drunk:

Provided as a public service, so that on the upcoming holiday, you don't have to experience these stages yourself, at least not all of them!


Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.


Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.


Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.


Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!


Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Just like my wife

Just like my wife

Prostitute to man: "Hi, want to have sex?"

Man to prostitute: "Ok. But only if you do it like my wife does."

Prostitute: "I can do it in any way you like. So how does she do it?"

Man: "She does it for free."

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as WWF 3.0. and Cricket 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0. It runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

One Line Jokes

One Line Jokes

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that person considered a hostage situation?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what's the speed of dark?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

A Penguin Walks into a Bar

A Penguin Walks into a Bar

A penguin walks into a bar, and asks the bartender if he has any plums. The bartender, confused, tells the penguin that no, his bar doesn't serve plums. The penguin thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the penguin returns, and again repeats his request for plums. Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve plums, has never served plums, and, furthermore, will never serve plums. The penguin, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the penguin returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, penguin! This is a bar! We do not serve plums! If you ever ask for plums again, I will nail your stupid penguin beak to the bar!" The penguin is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Do you have any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says "No."

"Good!" says the penguin. "Then do you have any plums?"

Penguins Go to the Zoo

Penguins Go to the Zoo

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

FACTS ABOUT LIFE

FACTS ABOUT LIFE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone Rs. 200 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The Moral of the Story

The Moral of the Story:

I happened to pass a house with a little red light burning in front, in an alley way in back of the London Hilton, so I stepped inside to see what may be on offer. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." I decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."and found myself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, I went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found myself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, I entered the door marked "Once a night" and found myself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Initiation Fee

Initiation Fee

Bob knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said Bob.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip $20, as an initiation fee, through the mail slot," answered the voice. Bob put the money in the mail slot, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed Bob, "I want to get screwed!"

"What," said the female voice, "again?"

Ever been screwed

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman, the brunette, walked over to the man and said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No.", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

Next, the redhead went to him and asked "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No.", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

Last, the blonde came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?

The fellow excitedly said "No, I haven't!".

She said "Well, I think you will be when the tide comes in."

Buying a Car

Buying a Car
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

Simply Another Blog

Just created another blog. Go take a look.

Simply Another Blog

Humour - Pecans in the Cemetry

    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several of the nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you , one for me. He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I just heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

    The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

    They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Humour - Do you drink, smoke? Eat Chocolate?

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????

Humour - Hubby's Letter

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Reached Date: 16 May 2004      I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.      I've just reached and have been checked in.      I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.      Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW! Your loving Hubby